Jake Addison, Liberal Democrat activist from Richmond, and Martha Glenn, Liberal Democrat member in Bath, are enjoying a cafe break at this week’s Liberal Democrat conference

Jake: Two cups of raspberry Rubosh tea and a slice of organic, gluten-free carrot cake, please.

Café waitress: We don’t have that sort of thing here. This is Birmingham.

Jake: Okay, I’ll have a sausage roll with mechanically processed pork offal and two mugs of instant coffee granules.

(Jake and Martha sit down, pushing aside a metre-deep pile of pamphlets all attacking the Government)

Jake: Things seem to be going pretty well, so far... We haven’t heard a squeak from protesters.

Martha: That’s because they can’t get near the place. It must be easier to get into Ford Knox. I had my pass scanned three times. It’s already worn out and I’ve only been here a day.

Jake: Still, Danny Alexander’s pledge to fast-track capital projects has headed off any protests about spending cuts.

Martha: A lot of hot air. It’s all smoke and mirrors. Creative accounting.

Jake: The students aren’t demonstrating about tuition fees.

Martha: That’s because they haven’t got out of bed yet after the weekend. It’s only Tuesday.

Jake: So long as we dig our heels in about the 50% tax rate, we can really show we’re sticking to our principles on tax and spend.

Martha: Even the Tories believe it would be unwise to scrap the 50% rate right now. Still, we’ve got something right.

Jake: We have? What?

Martha: The police at least are on our side. With all this security at the conference, not to mention threats of student riots whenever more than six Liberal Democrats meet, the police overtime bill is soaring.

Jake: This calls for another sausage roll.